I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize