Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
