My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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