They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
