I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
