Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
