Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
