Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
