Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
