Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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