Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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