Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
