I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
