plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
