So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
