A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
