I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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