I'm sorry my penis didn't work
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
