I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
