I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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