Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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