sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
