Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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