Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Please, let me fuck your mom
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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