My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
