I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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