I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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