watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
