I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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