Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
