Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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