She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
