Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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