I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
