Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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