i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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