Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
