some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize