remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize