I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
