sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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