If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
