you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
