I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
