Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
