I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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