The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
