In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
