big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
do nipples grow back?
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