Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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