the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
