you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I did not marry a roomba.
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