The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
