I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
