dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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