If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
