My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Its about making memories worth repressing
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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