**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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