i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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