What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
